Histories Lies

My friend Black Dynamite and I recently had a disagreement. He thinks when you tell a story you should stick to the facts no matter how boring or lame they are. But that’s stupid. And you know who agrees with me? History. History is full of awesome stories that obviously aren’t true.



Alexander the Great 320 B.C.



What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of the civilized world, uniting the lands of Greece, Persia and Egypt.



Truth: Have you ever heard of anyone in their twenties who does anything other than test the upper limits of his alcohol tolerance and work on growing new and exciting facial hair configurations? Exactly. Alexander, or “A-Train,” as his friends called him, was no different. Truth is, the only conquering he ever did was beating his friend Darius once at beer pong. It was an impressive showing, however. A-Train came back from a five cup deficit, then won in a gripping back-and-forth overtime. Darius died that night from alcohol poisoning.



Boston Tea Party December 16, 1773



What History says: A bunch of colonists were upset over the Tea Act passed by the British Government, so they protested by throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbor, thus helping to spark the American Revolution.



Truth: The Boston Tea Party was, in fact, an actual tea party, complete with tiny cups, lace doilies and sugar cubes. The colonists talked about how upset they were, then cried. Oprah was there. Frankly, it was a low point for their founding bros.



Gettysburg Address November 19, 1863



What History Says: School children are captivated by the story of Noble Abe penning his great speech on the back of an envelope on his way to Gettysburg.



Truth: Old Abe totally forgot he was supposed to give a speech that day. He’d been up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking Fanta with his buddy, Ulysses. Boy was he wrecked. He just got up there and started stringing words together. “Four score” isn’t even a number… it’s a solid weekend. What up.



Titanic April 10, 1912



What History Says: The Titanic, the largest passenger ship of its time, embarked on its maiden and a mere four days later, the supposedly unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank.



Truth: Really!? Downed by an ice cube!? I don’t think so. Actually, around day three of the voyage they came across an island of beautiful women. The men decided to put the women and children in life boats and then sailed back to the island to live out their days in coital bliss. But the truth doesn’t get you a large insurance settlement.



Moon Landing July 20, 1969



What History Says: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin climbed out of their space capsule, into an atmosphere with no oxygen and minimal gravity, and planted the American flag on the surface of the moon.



Truth: Uh, it’s the freakin’ moon. It’s super far away. Obviously, no one can get there. It takes like a year just to get to Manchester. Neil and Buzz probably spent the afternoon by the pool, drinking martinis and sexually harassing chicks because it was the 60’s and that’s what astronauts did. Honestly, that sounds just as, if not more, awesome.