45

We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.



Here’s why.

• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.



• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.



• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.



• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?



• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.