Friday 30 July 2010
The Slap Bet
as you all may know a slap bet is a bet when the winner gets to slap the loser as hard as possible. i won a slap bet today but unlike the slap bet between barney and marshall, where marshall got to slap barney 5 times from now to infinity, i got to slap my friend james 3 times in the next 3 years. i already used one when he was bent over fixing his bike i hit him. hard. the next two are gonner be special. does anybody have any suggestions about how and when to do it? email me at jamie@brandwood.com
Saturday 24 July 2010
Broetry Corner
There once was a well-dressed man,
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.
All the fair lasses kept starin',
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'.
There was a young lass from royton,
Who promised a man named George Foreman,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming Oh Norman.
A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.
I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.
All the fair lasses kept starin',
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'.
There was a young lass from royton,
Who promised a man named George Foreman,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming Oh Norman.
A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.
I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram
Tuesday 20 July 2010
The Pyramid Of Screaming
HEY STUPID BLOG READERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG MORE?!?! Sorry. My boss screamed at me over a few missing schematics and I had to release some steam. Why didn't I yell at my boss and not at you? Because that would be dumb, idiot.
You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. Britian was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM.
What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM?
The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:
The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.
It's no different inside your area, as shown by my own corporate scream pyramid:
Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.
You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. Britian was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM.
What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM?
The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:
The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.
It's no different inside your area, as shown by my own corporate scream pyramid:
Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.
Monday 19 July 2010
45
We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.
Here’s why.
• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.
• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.
• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.
• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?
• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.
Here’s why.
• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.
• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.
• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.
• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?
• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
I have a dream
I Have A Dream
I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good."
I have a dream that one day black and white chicks will come together in my bed.
I have a dream that all peoples of this great nation will suit up together and that polyester will be abolished forever.
I have a dream that one day, all tee-shirts will be wet and boob jobs will be free.
I have a dream that there will be a television network that shows only “Predator” 24 hours a day.
I have a dream that feels like I’m falling and then I wake up before I hit the ground. It happens a lot. Should I see a doctor or something?
I have a dream that babies don’t cry on planes, that men don’t wear Uggs, that “second base” replaces the handshake, that girls leave when you’re done, that there are no waits for cabs, that I can look at a woman’s chest area without getting a dirty look. Yeah, you wore that blouse because you don’t want me to look there.
I have a dream.
I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good."
I have a dream that one day black and white chicks will come together in my bed.
I have a dream that all peoples of this great nation will suit up together and that polyester will be abolished forever.
I have a dream that one day, all tee-shirts will be wet and boob jobs will be free.
I have a dream that there will be a television network that shows only “Predator” 24 hours a day.
I have a dream that feels like I’m falling and then I wake up before I hit the ground. It happens a lot. Should I see a doctor or something?
I have a dream that babies don’t cry on planes, that men don’t wear Uggs, that “second base” replaces the handshake, that girls leave when you’re done, that there are no waits for cabs, that I can look at a woman’s chest area without getting a dirty look. Yeah, you wore that blouse because you don’t want me to look there.
I have a dream.
Monday 12 July 2010
Avatar
well first off in pandora when they have sex they hook up their pony tails. so in theory their hair is like their junk. but when they ride horses or dragons they also hook up their pony tails? ewww!! if i was a horse i would be very nervous around james cameron. and if you think about it they are all exactly like smurfs. the chief is papa smurf. his daughter is smurfette. her boyfriend is smurf and home tree is the smurfberry tree. that makes perfect sense! the smurfs should sue james camerons arse!!!
Wednesday 7 July 2010
Histories Lies
My friend Black Dynamite and I recently had a disagreement. He thinks when you tell a story you should stick to the facts no matter how boring or lame they are. But that’s stupid. And you know who agrees with me? History. History is full of awesome stories that obviously aren’t true.
Alexander the Great 320 B.C.
What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of the civilized world, uniting the lands of Greece, Persia and Egypt.
Truth: Have you ever heard of anyone in their twenties who does anything other than test the upper limits of his alcohol tolerance and work on growing new and exciting facial hair configurations? Exactly. Alexander, or “A-Train,” as his friends called him, was no different. Truth is, the only conquering he ever did was beating his friend Darius once at beer pong. It was an impressive showing, however. A-Train came back from a five cup deficit, then won in a gripping back-and-forth overtime. Darius died that night from alcohol poisoning.
Boston Tea Party December 16, 1773
What History says: A bunch of colonists were upset over the Tea Act passed by the British Government, so they protested by throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbor, thus helping to spark the American Revolution.
Truth: The Boston Tea Party was, in fact, an actual tea party, complete with tiny cups, lace doilies and sugar cubes. The colonists talked about how upset they were, then cried. Oprah was there. Frankly, it was a low point for their founding bros.
Gettysburg Address November 19, 1863
What History Says: School children are captivated by the story of Noble Abe penning his great speech on the back of an envelope on his way to Gettysburg.
Truth: Old Abe totally forgot he was supposed to give a speech that day. He’d been up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking Fanta with his buddy, Ulysses. Boy was he wrecked. He just got up there and started stringing words together. “Four score” isn’t even a number… it’s a solid weekend. What up.
Titanic April 10, 1912
What History Says: The Titanic, the largest passenger ship of its time, embarked on its maiden and a mere four days later, the supposedly unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Truth: Really!? Downed by an ice cube!? I don’t think so. Actually, around day three of the voyage they came across an island of beautiful women. The men decided to put the women and children in life boats and then sailed back to the island to live out their days in coital bliss. But the truth doesn’t get you a large insurance settlement.
Moon Landing July 20, 1969
What History Says: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin climbed out of their space capsule, into an atmosphere with no oxygen and minimal gravity, and planted the American flag on the surface of the moon.
Truth: Uh, it’s the freakin’ moon. It’s super far away. Obviously, no one can get there. It takes like a year just to get to Manchester. Neil and Buzz probably spent the afternoon by the pool, drinking martinis and sexually harassing chicks because it was the 60’s and that’s what astronauts did. Honestly, that sounds just as, if not more, awesome.
Alexander the Great 320 B.C.
What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of the civilized world, uniting the lands of Greece, Persia and Egypt.
Truth: Have you ever heard of anyone in their twenties who does anything other than test the upper limits of his alcohol tolerance and work on growing new and exciting facial hair configurations? Exactly. Alexander, or “A-Train,” as his friends called him, was no different. Truth is, the only conquering he ever did was beating his friend Darius once at beer pong. It was an impressive showing, however. A-Train came back from a five cup deficit, then won in a gripping back-and-forth overtime. Darius died that night from alcohol poisoning.
Boston Tea Party December 16, 1773
What History says: A bunch of colonists were upset over the Tea Act passed by the British Government, so they protested by throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbor, thus helping to spark the American Revolution.
Truth: The Boston Tea Party was, in fact, an actual tea party, complete with tiny cups, lace doilies and sugar cubes. The colonists talked about how upset they were, then cried. Oprah was there. Frankly, it was a low point for their founding bros.
Gettysburg Address November 19, 1863
What History Says: School children are captivated by the story of Noble Abe penning his great speech on the back of an envelope on his way to Gettysburg.
Truth: Old Abe totally forgot he was supposed to give a speech that day. He’d been up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking Fanta with his buddy, Ulysses. Boy was he wrecked. He just got up there and started stringing words together. “Four score” isn’t even a number… it’s a solid weekend. What up.
Titanic April 10, 1912
What History Says: The Titanic, the largest passenger ship of its time, embarked on its maiden and a mere four days later, the supposedly unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Truth: Really!? Downed by an ice cube!? I don’t think so. Actually, around day three of the voyage they came across an island of beautiful women. The men decided to put the women and children in life boats and then sailed back to the island to live out their days in coital bliss. But the truth doesn’t get you a large insurance settlement.
Moon Landing July 20, 1969
What History Says: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin climbed out of their space capsule, into an atmosphere with no oxygen and minimal gravity, and planted the American flag on the surface of the moon.
Truth: Uh, it’s the freakin’ moon. It’s super far away. Obviously, no one can get there. It takes like a year just to get to Manchester. Neil and Buzz probably spent the afternoon by the pool, drinking martinis and sexually harassing chicks because it was the 60’s and that’s what astronauts did. Honestly, that sounds just as, if not more, awesome.
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Girl or Food?
During a seventeen course meal the other night, I realized something: I talk a lot about women on my blog. And while that’s great and my advice has led to innumerable amounts of lay-age, sometimes it leaves other things by the wayside. Like food. I’ve been increasing my caloric intake ever so slightly as of late and you’d be surprised how describing the life force of the world can be synonymous with describing the life force of my bedroom. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the phrases below and try and figure out whether I’m describing a girl or type of food. Good luck.
1. “Tasty white breast”
2. “Large, meaty and can ruin your night”
3. “Swedish meatballs”
4. “The hottest thing ever”
5. “Just turned 18.”
6. “Asian fusion”
7. “Full of crabs”
8. “Ham and cheese sandwich on toasted rye bread”
Answer key:
1. Food: Chicken
2. Food: Steak Burrito
3. Girl: Swedish breasts
4. Trick question: Food/Girl: Buffalo wings / Heidi Klum eating buffalo wings
5. Food: Single Malt Scotch (yeah, I know it’s a drink)
6. Girl: Lucy Liu + Kelly Hu + me.
7. Food: Any Red Lobster restaurant
8. Food: It says ham and cheese on toasted rye bread. Use your brains.
1. “Tasty white breast”
2. “Large, meaty and can ruin your night”
3. “Swedish meatballs”
4. “The hottest thing ever”
5. “Just turned 18.”
6. “Asian fusion”
7. “Full of crabs”
8. “Ham and cheese sandwich on toasted rye bread”
Answer key:
1. Food: Chicken
2. Food: Steak Burrito
3. Girl: Swedish breasts
4. Trick question: Food/Girl: Buffalo wings / Heidi Klum eating buffalo wings
5. Food: Single Malt Scotch (yeah, I know it’s a drink)
6. Girl: Lucy Liu + Kelly Hu + me.
7. Food: Any Red Lobster restaurant
8. Food: It says ham and cheese on toasted rye bread. Use your brains.
Monday 5 July 2010
Dress to impress
“If you don’t use it, you lose it” is an ancient biblical proverb that I strictly follow in my pursuit of being awesome. It’s a scientific fact that your awesome muscles can atrophy if not properly tested on a consistent basis. This of course is why I recently accepted the challenge of trying to get laid while wearing a pair of overalls – (Sex Difficulty Level - 8.2). However, please keep in mind that not everyone’s at my master level – so here are a few easier ones to try to keep in shape and thus not “lose it.”
Leather Vest* Difficulty level 5.7
A vest should never be seen outside a perfectly tailored three piece suit. Ladies, with their heightened sense of fashion, instinctually know this. NOTE: the difficulty level drops to a 2.1 if worn in a biker bar and down to a 1.4 if worn at a rodeo.
Fast Food Uniform* Difficulty level 6.9 / 4.8 (city/highway)
By proudly declaring your minimum wage status you might think the ladies will refuse to show interest. However, in this case, it’s all about the demographic. Cougars looking to recapture the glow of their youth will find you irresistible, especially if said uniform is complete w/ a funny wedge cap. NOTE: Remember to shave as a baby face is the ticket to glory.
Hawaiian Shirt* Difficulty level 2.4
Loud prints and a complete lack of tailoring may be repellant to you, but like the fast food uniform above, it will appeal to a certain demographic – in this case girls with daddy issues. The shirt will remind them of the infrequent vacations with their families, the only time in their childhood where dad paid any attention to them at all – at least before he was four umbrella drinks deep.
Vampire* Difficulty level 1.0
If you need a confidence boost try this one. Simply apply some white face powder and a soulful yet wounded gaze. Mention that you have been alive for a hundred years and that the moment you saw her, you knew she was the one you had waited an eternity for. Refuse to eat or drink anything in her presence and rattle off some sob stories about how much it rains in your small Washington town.
* Null and void if you’re in a band. Rocker types can wear anything and get laid. Cheating? Yes. Awesome? Also yes.
Leather Vest* Difficulty level 5.7
A vest should never be seen outside a perfectly tailored three piece suit. Ladies, with their heightened sense of fashion, instinctually know this. NOTE: the difficulty level drops to a 2.1 if worn in a biker bar and down to a 1.4 if worn at a rodeo.
Fast Food Uniform* Difficulty level 6.9 / 4.8 (city/highway)
By proudly declaring your minimum wage status you might think the ladies will refuse to show interest. However, in this case, it’s all about the demographic. Cougars looking to recapture the glow of their youth will find you irresistible, especially if said uniform is complete w/ a funny wedge cap. NOTE: Remember to shave as a baby face is the ticket to glory.
Hawaiian Shirt* Difficulty level 2.4
Loud prints and a complete lack of tailoring may be repellant to you, but like the fast food uniform above, it will appeal to a certain demographic – in this case girls with daddy issues. The shirt will remind them of the infrequent vacations with their families, the only time in their childhood where dad paid any attention to them at all – at least before he was four umbrella drinks deep.
Vampire* Difficulty level 1.0
If you need a confidence boost try this one. Simply apply some white face powder and a soulful yet wounded gaze. Mention that you have been alive for a hundred years and that the moment you saw her, you knew she was the one you had waited an eternity for. Refuse to eat or drink anything in her presence and rattle off some sob stories about how much it rains in your small Washington town.
* Null and void if you’re in a band. Rocker types can wear anything and get laid. Cheating? Yes. Awesome? Also yes.
Sunday 4 July 2010
Competition (Toon Links victory!)
just then i had a competition to see who would comment on all my posts first. and it was a close one but toon link won! hooray!! toon link is probably my best friend on palringo and i will definatly talk to catty about making him an admin in ricks place! good luck toon link!
The Palringo Group
i have this chatroom in an app called palringo. its a pokemon chatroom and i became really good friends with the people in it. the first person i met was a person called ... he doesnt talk much anymore. then i met catty who introduced us to the rest of the people like rick. slowly, more and more people joined the group so i met people like toon link, killer, black panter, and many many more good friends. even after 6 months i have stayed in touch with each of these people through palringo and i hope to get to know them better through the years. - dedicated to all my friends on palringo.
The Naked Man
the naked man is a trick used to make a woman sleep with you using the most fundimental element. suprise.
Step 1: you go on a date with a woman and make an escuse to go back to her place. it MUST be her place.
Step 2: you make an escuse for her to leave the room
Step 3: you undress and get into pose
Step 4: when she re-enters, there can be one of two outcomes.
1. she is surprised by your confidence or makes a joke of it and sleeps with you
2. she throws you out and calls the cops.
outcome 1 works 2/3 times.
this method has been tested. i will accept no responsibility of outcomes from this method. use at own risk
Step 1: you go on a date with a woman and make an escuse to go back to her place. it MUST be her place.
Step 2: you make an escuse for her to leave the room
Step 3: you undress and get into pose
Step 4: when she re-enters, there can be one of two outcomes.
1. she is surprised by your confidence or makes a joke of it and sleeps with you
2. she throws you out and calls the cops.
outcome 1 works 2/3 times.
this method has been tested. i will accept no responsibility of outcomes from this method. use at own risk
Saturday 3 July 2010
Barney Stinson
ladies and gentelmen. my hero, barney stinson, world famous for picking up chicks is openly gay. he is no longer my hero. im my own hero now. skrew you world. i respect nobody but myself.
The Bro Code
Weather we know it or now each of us is goverend by a list of rules and commitments. Some call it morality. Others call it relegion. I call it the bro code. The Bro Code is a book written by me hero and mentor, Barney Stinson. He is the most awesome person who ever lived. His book shows all bro's how to live and how to act but more importantly, how to score chicks. I follow this book to the very letter and never even think of doubting it. I truly believe that if all people followed the ammendments in this book, the world would be a better place for bro's all around the world.
New Blog
Well its finally here. Now you can see every awesome thought that goes through my mind in my new blog. Awesome. If you have anything you want to say to me please email me at jamie@brandwood.com. Im waiting.
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