Dear Bloglodytes,
It's come to my attention that there's an alarming nickname shortage for those wondrous spheres affixed to the female thoracic cavity. I'm referring, of course, to boobies.
You're familiar with the classics: knockers, ta-ta's, fun bags, sweater cows. But what about their lesser-known cousins: Honka sacks? Blouse blobs? Milk bulbs?
Every bro should possess an arsenal of unique boob synonyms, or "boobonyms." Why? First, they're fun to say. Second, and more important, a dude must be able to safely and inconspicuously direct his bro's attention to an amazing set of swollen flesh papayas should they come bouncing by. Example: "Bro! Check out the brontosaurus eggs at your 5 o'clock!"
Below are 25 of my all-time favorite boobonyms. Feel free to think up your own but be sure to share them with the greater shirt roosters appreciation community.
Knockers
Ta-Ta's
Fun Bags
Sweater Cows
Gazungas
Floppers
Bikini Bombs
Brontosaurus Eggs
Chest Balloons
Speed Bags
Twin Peaks
Honka Sacks
Velvet Cushions
Suckle Huts
Silicone Sisters
Dairy Maids
Blouse Blobs
Strawberry Sundaes
Travel Pillows
Mike & Molly
Flesh Papayas
Milk Bulbs
Lady Turnips
Skin Spinnakers
Shirt Roosters
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Friday, 30 July 2010
The Slap Bet
as you all may know a slap bet is a bet when the winner gets to slap the loser as hard as possible. i won a slap bet today but unlike the slap bet between barney and marshall, where marshall got to slap barney 5 times from now to infinity, i got to slap my friend james 3 times in the next 3 years. i already used one when he was bent over fixing his bike i hit him. hard. the next two are gonner be special. does anybody have any suggestions about how and when to do it? email me at jamie@brandwood.com
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Broetry Corner
There once was a well-dressed man,
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.
All the fair lasses kept starin',
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'.
There was a young lass from royton,
Who promised a man named George Foreman,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming Oh Norman.
A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.
I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.
All the fair lasses kept starin',
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'.
There was a young lass from royton,
Who promised a man named George Foreman,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming Oh Norman.
A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.
I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
The Pyramid Of Screaming
HEY STUPID BLOG READERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG MORE?!?! Sorry. My boss screamed at me over a few missing schematics and I had to release some steam. Why didn't I yell at my boss and not at you? Because that would be dumb, idiot.
You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. Britian was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM.
What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM?
The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:
The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.
It's no different inside your area, as shown by my own corporate scream pyramid:
Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.
You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. Britian was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM.
What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM?
The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:
The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.
It's no different inside your area, as shown by my own corporate scream pyramid:
Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.
Monday, 19 July 2010
45
We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.
Here’s why.
• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.
• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.
• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.
• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?
• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.
Here’s why.
• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.
• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.
• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.
• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?
• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
I have a dream
I Have A Dream
I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good."
I have a dream that one day black and white chicks will come together in my bed.
I have a dream that all peoples of this great nation will suit up together and that polyester will be abolished forever.
I have a dream that one day, all tee-shirts will be wet and boob jobs will be free.
I have a dream that there will be a television network that shows only “Predator” 24 hours a day.
I have a dream that feels like I’m falling and then I wake up before I hit the ground. It happens a lot. Should I see a doctor or something?
I have a dream that babies don’t cry on planes, that men don’t wear Uggs, that “second base” replaces the handshake, that girls leave when you’re done, that there are no waits for cabs, that I can look at a woman’s chest area without getting a dirty look. Yeah, you wore that blouse because you don’t want me to look there.
I have a dream.
I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good."
I have a dream that one day black and white chicks will come together in my bed.
I have a dream that all peoples of this great nation will suit up together and that polyester will be abolished forever.
I have a dream that one day, all tee-shirts will be wet and boob jobs will be free.
I have a dream that there will be a television network that shows only “Predator” 24 hours a day.
I have a dream that feels like I’m falling and then I wake up before I hit the ground. It happens a lot. Should I see a doctor or something?
I have a dream that babies don’t cry on planes, that men don’t wear Uggs, that “second base” replaces the handshake, that girls leave when you’re done, that there are no waits for cabs, that I can look at a woman’s chest area without getting a dirty look. Yeah, you wore that blouse because you don’t want me to look there.
I have a dream.
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